DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE - Eighties sleaze!

While I didn’t like the Planet Terror/Death Proof Grindhouse double feature that came out last year, I do have to admit that I'm really liking the fallout from that failed project. Suddenly every DVD studio and their brother are releasing Drive-In schlock and B-Movies by the truckload. Brentwood, Alpha Video, Koch and some studios I've never heard of all shoveling out public domain releases as fast as they can - in true grindhouse style - to cash in on Rodriguez/Tarantino flick before the fad cools. The best of the bunch however has to be BCI with their Welcome to the Grindhouse series.

For the uninitiated (and if that’s the case, why are you reading this?) the term Grindhouse comes from the era of B-movie theaters famous for cranking out exploitation double-bills in the 1970’s. The prints were decrepit and worn out, the chairs hurt your ass, and the interiors were cleaned maybe twice a year - but you would consistently get your money’s worth in over-the-top sleaze, splatter and thrills. BCI Eclipse gives you all that in a double feature disc, but without the dirty old men and seats that smell funny.

The first movie up for discussion is Don't Answer The Phone, released in 1980. Kirk Smith (played astoundingly by Nicholas Worth, who also appeared in other B-movie greats such as Hell Comes to Frogtown with Roddy Piper, Wes Craven's Swamp Thing, and the blaxploitation classic Scream Blacula Scream, just to name a few) is a deranged war veteran from Vietnam vet - although I'd guess that he wasn’t right in the head before getting some quality time with Charlie. Kirk spends his free time stalking raping and then murdering women, either posing as a photographer or just out and out lurking the bushes and jumping them when they're alone.

In his free time, Kirk either rants about his abusive old man or makes frequent calls to daytime radio show host Doctor Lindsay Gale (Flo Gerrish, who's only other real film of note is the Sly Stallone arm wrestling flick Over the Top), taunting her with all kinds of sordid details of his personal life - but never quite incriminating himself, but clearly getting his jollies that way.

On the Law-and-Order side of the fence are homicide detectives Lt. McCabe and Sgt. Hatcher (played by respectively James Westmoreland and Ben Frank), heading up the Strangler case and getting nowhere - until Doctor Lindsay shows up at the police station with some vital information that could crack the case. Of course, being a 70's exploitation flick, the cop and the doctor fall in love (well, lust) and get it on. Of course it's not before long when our sweaty Strangler has kidnapped the good Doctor, and now it's up to McCabe to save the day.

Don't Answer The Phone has very little to do with a "Phone Call=Death" motif, other than the talk show doctor becoming the Strangler's main target, (the title was probably changed to cash in on the late seventies fad of movies called Don't Go in the Woods, Don't Go in the House, Don't Look in the Basement and so on.) but is a surprisingly effective and very disturbing flick. Being a exploitation film, of course everything goes and we get plenty of sex, violence and sex and violence - and while we don't see the actual rapes, this is still a really uncomfortable film to watch. Like when The Strangler hires a hooker, but instead of getting down to business once back at the hotel room, he asks her to phone the radio station. This chilling sequence has Denise tell Doctor Gail that her frequent caller is beside her, but before she gets much further Kirk slowly strangles her so that the screams are broadcast citywide through Dr Gail’s show.
In perhaps the film’s most disturbing scene, when The Strangler attacks one of the victims - who was molested as a child - she gives in to him, clutching a teddy bear and calling him “daddy” while crying like a child. Meanwhile, he calls her baby and fondly strokes her hair while treating her like she was really a child.

Holy smokes! And this coming from a hard boiled veteran of years of exploitation!

As you can imagine Nicholas Worth is the best thing in this picture. Not only is he a big intimidating dude, his demeanor is just damn disquieting - and that's when he's got his public face on. In private, he weeps, he cackles insanely, he gives talks endlessly to himself and his (apparently deceased) stepfather about him "measuring up", he puffs up his chest about strength and superiority above everyone else and goes on a bigoted rampage about a pimp he had cracked over the head just the scene before.

The problem with the film is that it's kind of schizophrenic. When The Strangler isn't on screen doing his thing, we get a standard police procedural movie with comedy bits thrown in. Just as one example: while in the course of the investigation, our two cop heroes arrive at a whorehouse. The staff mistakes the cop's completely unrelated investigation as a bust - and of course all hell breaks loose. Suddenly the hallways are filled with weirdoes in drag, Nazi dominatrixes, gimps and fags, skimpily attired patrons and deviants of all sizes and colors while our two cops look on in bemusement. Oh look, the guy tied up in the fetish gear can't get off the bed - that's Komedy!

This bizarre humor is lumped right alongside some genuinely brutal psychological violence, giving Don’t Answer the Phone feel a very uneven feel.

And I should point out that James Westmoreland is as shallow and as Nicholas Worth is awesome. He's got no personality to speak of and zero charm. Coupled with love intrest/leading lady Flo Gerrish not exactly burning up the set and Robert Hammer's rather pedestrian direction means that while Don't Answer The Phone is okay, it could have been so much better.

BREASTS ON DISPLAY: 7
EXPLOSIONS: 0
ROUNDS FIRED: 14
PUNCHES THROWN: 9
HANDRAIL DEATHS: 0
CAR CHASES: 0
FRUIT CARTS DESTROYED: 0
AFROS: 1
F BOMBS DROPPED: 7
SEVENTIES FASHION SENSIBILITIES: 13%
BEST LINE: "Adios, creep"

THE DVD -
Both films are presented in a widescreen ratio of 1.78 and while generally in overall less than stellar shape, Don't Answer the Phone (and Prime Evil, for that matter) looks reasonable for a low budget b-movie cheapie. There were some audio artifacts on Don't Answer the Phone - kind of a hollow, tinny sound in places - but those were due to the nature of production and a flaw inherent in the master than a problem with the disc.

THE EXTRAS -
There are no extras on the Welcome to the Grindhouse double feature disc, save for one: the Grindhouse Experience. As with other discs of the series, you can either watch each feature by itself or in the Grindhouse Experience. Watching that way, we start off with a Coming Attractions bumper, a trailer for Horror High and Werewolf vs the Vampire Women before Don't Answer the Phone runs. After Phone, we get another set of bumpers, the trailer for Blood Mania and Night of the Werewolf before the second feature starts.

As I understand it, there are extras on the stand-alone non-grindhouse disc - a commentary, an introduction, and an interview with Nicholas Worth, a photo gallery, a couple of Crown International trailers and an Easter egg. Worthwhile if you want to see out more on the film - but me? I'm happy with the super cheap double feature picture show.

THE BOTTOM LINE -
With names like Hammer and Castle, one would think this movie has some kind of horror pedigree. Sadly we get nowhere near Hammer Film Productions or William Castle territory here. Instead we get a serviceable if not outstanding film with some really disturbing moments.